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Here we go again [06 Apr 2007|11:54am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So I was reading this mag this morning and it had this story about a woman who was 34 stone, couldn't help but feel sorry for the lady, she can not get herself up and therefore is reliant on other people looking after her, and feeding her, so in my mind it is no longer her fault that she is the size she is, the people continuing to feed her crap are now to blame. anyhow got to chatting about it with the other half.

He makes this thoughtless comment about how it scares him because I could end up like that, (well ok it was more that anyone could end up like that but feel my mind here.) what kind of a comment is that to make to someone with an ED? what the fuck an I doing with this guy! any ways I burst into tears, and suddenly he realizes what he said. he tries to do a 180 turn and points out I would never end up like that because I had too much self control. It didn't work and I still feel like shit, terrified to have anything at all in case I suddenly balloon up to 34 stone.

But he did get me thinking, isn't it funny how people think just because you can go for ages without eating anything, are happy to exist on the smallest amount of food and normally find one way or another to counter act that, that you have self control. I have shit self control, I guess that's the main reason what he said affected me so badly, it was because I know I have no self control and that if I stopped focusing on what I ate, I could so easily end up eating my way to being her it scares me. If I had the great self control he talks about I would be happy! eating normally and looking great!

So here I am again, with that one thoughtless comment leaving me feeling like a 2 year old who has just been told there is a monster under the bed and if they move it will get them. I was meant to be going out to a friends birthday do tonight, they have known me since this all began and I know they won't be looking down on me, but I'm not so sure I can face the rest of the world feeling like I have thighs the size of a cows. Life sucks!

7 comments|post comment

still alive [23 Feb 2007|11:08pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Still going, still me, 

Now a qualified teacher, but just as messed up as before, 

Haven't been in touch as life seems so busy, what with holding down my job and bringing up charlotte, while being in and out of hospital, i'm very lucky in that i have an understanding boss and family, but with 3 hospital stays in the last year, I just never found the time to update, 

Finding the right job was great, while i can understand a lot of people thinking of me as a dreadful role model who should never be allowed to teach teenagers, being covered in scars and looking like shit has it's advantages, the kids find it easy to open up to me and i have helped three into rehab in the past year. just because my life is messed up does not mean i want others to go the same way and getting help before it's too late is important.

hope everyone is ok and i promise to try and be better at being in touch this year,

big hugs.

3 comments|post comment

Back to work on Monday. [11 Feb 2006|08:40pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I'm going back to work on Monday, looking forward to it, but nervous too.

The Dr wasn't convinced, but promised to sign off again if I find myself overdoing it, and pointed out that by being at work I would be away from the temptation to exercises 24/7.

Missed the kids like mad, but a little worried about what they will think and how they will respond to me.

Not sure I updated you all actually, I passed my degree, top mark in my year, blah, blah, etc, etc,... and got a job teaching at a pretty rough inner city girls school, it's really hard and I'm not about to pretend I'm any good at it, but I love the girls to bit's and am allegedly doing an Ok job, or at least was until I got stuck in the hospital.

Also a bit worried about how the staff will be, from the beginning they were commenting on how I never ate anything, I just told them I wasn't hungry till tea time, now they know the truth.

Looking forward to going back but paranoid about everyone looking at me, only started with an ED so I could disappear, somehow ended up the center of attention.

16 comments|post comment

Anyone else sometimes wonder how they got so messed up? [08 Feb 2006|04:08pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

Went out with some old friends last night, really good old friends the kind where your both so messed up it's not like your a freak or in competition, just comfortable to accept each other as you are.

Got talking about lot's of things, how messed up my opinion of self worth is was interesting, made a passing comment that I had only been raped once in the last few years so I must be losing it somehow, Friends picked up on it, and I guess it's a messed up head that measures self worth on how much other people hurt you. Does anyone else think that if people are not hurting you you must not even be worth their time hurting you. Someone out there must relate, I hope.

the other thing was how much we would all love to wake up one day, normal, totally normal, ever wonder what you would be like if the messed up things had never happened to you? Would you be normal?

Anyway have to go as there back from school any mo.

Big hugs

9 comments|post comment

In answer to the questions... [28 Jan 2006|12:20am]
[ mood | tired ]

Getting a few emails wanting to know what happened,

In short, they can make you eat, they can reteach you to eat, they can even make it so you are hungry and part of you wants to eat, but some how they seem to forget to teach you how to live with yourself.

I went away and tried hard to recover, if lb's are any kind of guide I did well, the trouble is too many years of being like this make it hard to accept.

I might look 'healthier' but inside I feel worse, looking in the mirror is hard, the fat I now see is real, and all I want to do it cut it out.

I have no idea where i'm at right now, somewhere between hell and a hard place. Guess I came back, in part at least, to find somewhere safe to be me, and discover how I feel again.

I might not have made it this time, but I want everyone to know I really did try hard!

10 comments|post comment

Am I allowed to come out to play? [27 Jan 2006|11:22pm]
[ mood | shy ]

Feeling shy, haven't been around for ages, sorry,

Don't really want to talk about it, more up for forgetting, leave it by saying I was stuck in hospital for all the family birthdays, christmas and new year, and i'm feeling very, very fat! definitely a time to forget.

Might not be able to post too much as it feels like the world is looking over my shoulder at the moment, just wanted to ask if I was allowed out to play again.

Miss you all,

Big hug!

5 comments|post comment

Dam the net... [06 Apr 2005|12:19am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Sorry i've not been round, nothing wrong just internet problems.

Why is it that people seem to think I can give advice about having an ED but not about eating sensibly or recovering?

Just because i'm no good at getting well or eating healthily, doesn't mean I know nothing about it. I know more than most thanks to far too much time studying nutritional info and fantasizing about being 'normal'.

I can't however tell anyone how to get an ED, I can give lists of rules I stick by and stuff but it's about more than that. you are not going to starve yourself to death because it seems like a good idea one day, your going to starve for a day or two before binging and gaining back any weight you lost. an ED is not about weight, or at least not just about weight.

I whole heartily believe that you do not get a true ED because it's cool or a good way to lose weight, you develop an ED because some fault line in you all along is triggered.

It's internal not external. external pressures, feeling a need to fit in can help but you are not going to get a long term ED cos one day you think your a bit fat, UNLESS you were that way inclined to begin with.

Sorry rant over, Joe just decide he needs to lose weight asked for help I look up the details on how to do it right at his size, but thats not good enough, he doesn't want to eat ever again.

Bullshit, he doesn't want to eat till the downer wears off and the hunger kicks in, then he will want to eat and eat he will, till he gains back all the weight lost from 24hrs fasting and probably a lb or two more.

People piss me off! can you tell.

What did he expect me to say starve this way, it's really not something I recommend, just because i'm screwed does not mean I want anyone else to be!

Promise the rants over now.

Hope your all ok will try and catch up in the next day or two.

16 comments|post comment

Haven't posted for a while, [22 Mar 2005|09:11pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

Have been reading everyone else's thought, It's like I get to post and forget what I was going to say.

Had the weight in today, I lost twice as much as the other two put together :O)

On a not so positive note, a friend went and spent £20 on an easter egg for me! not impressed, it's even worse when you learn it's a nest of eggs, has a few little ones in the middle then 4 layers of big eggs round it! What was he thinking?

All because I said I was alway disappointed by easter eggs as a child I thought they should be solid, seemingly this was the closest to solid he could find. I asked what I was meant to do with it, he just laughed and said the best before date wasn't for a good six months! Great!

Hopefully Charlotte will make quite a dent in it. That said she has 10 eggs already, I'll be rolling her back to school after the holidays ;o)

Mum always used to lecture us about not eating too much of our eggs there was going to be a big dinner, I tend to let Charlotte eat what she wants, easter and christmas all about chocolate to kids, why shouldn't they enjoy it, the good bit about being that age is being able to eat what you like and run it off after.

How's everyone else facing the 'kind' people that like to supply chocolate eggs? At least at christmas i've grown out of being given selection boxs!

Making little chick shaped easter cookies and those chocolate and corn flake cakes with little mini eggs in to take to my mums for easter, she's being a star and providing my regular diet of egg white nad veg! even pre-empted me asking and reminded me to bring my little knife and fork!

Hope everyone has a good easter. You all deserve too.

17 comments|post comment

Had fun Sat [16 Mar 2005|10:49am]
[ mood | creative ]

Had fun on Saturday, the gig was great, them we all ended up at a rave, quite funny really a group of us who always go to a rock club at a rave, even funnier were the fact that half the people there were teachers we were all sat around discussing when our next police check's were due and how much shit we would be in if the police decided to raid.

Have Charlotte's friend coming home for tea tonight, i'm actually really nervous, it's her boyfriend Ben and he isn't in her class so somehow, I have to juggle picking them both up from school when there comming out of different doors and I have no idea what Ben looks like. Charlotte's really excited thought so it will be worth it.

Into the last week of the sponsored slim my mum signed me up for. trying so hard not to weight myself till Tuesday at the official weigh in. plan on trying to eat every day, having just fruit one day, then veg the next. hopefully I can keep my metabolism up enough with that to give me a pleasant surprise when I finally get my weight.

Off to do baking, Charlotte's school have a cake fair tomorrow and i've been roped in to make loads of fairy cakes. what is it about smell and taste being connected, I get to smell cakes and thus in essence taste cakes all day, not fair, i'm still paranoid, just smelling or touching bad foods will somehow make me fat.

Oh and according to my tutor at uni, i'm described by the staff as interesting and eccentric, can't decided if that's a compliment....

Chin's up, your all great,

8 comments|post comment

time to sort it out [12 Mar 2005|11:47am]
[ mood | awake ]

Had my week of misery, now it's time to get back to optimism!

I hate being a grumpy sod and only I can stop me being one, back to happy number land where numbers have wings and I can't help but smile!

Going out tonight, Grey's dad has a gig on in town and it's always a good laugh, he plays all the kind of stuff your parents play, it's a really chill evening.

Joe and Charlotte have gone over to his parents, so I have a days peace, Charlotte's not impressed, she reckons Joe's mum can't cook and insists I make her a packed lunch to take with her, nice to know she has no concerns about eating.....

3 comments|post comment

Still feeling little [05 Mar 2005|06:48pm]
Sorry i've not been around much, been feeling little, then remembering just cos I feel little and insecure on the inside i'm huge on the outside, so I feel littler.... and so it goes on. and I try and stay upbeat, don't want to bring you all down.

Been thinking of telling Grey everything, then chickening out, then thinking I will.... he wants me to be weak and crack up on him, it's just that I'm not about to crack, I did that years ago.

I'm stuck in a hole where nothing hurts enough, I starve but it doesn't feel hard anymore so then when I eat 100 cal's i make myself sick, that still doesn't hurt, so I try upping the number of lax i'm taking no pain, the dreaded self harm has slipped back more than once in the last couple of weeks but nothing hurts enough to make me feel safe.

will try and sod off till I have something more cheerful to say, sorry girls.

Mothers day tomorrow. more food to avoid :O(
6 comments|post comment

humm [01 Mar 2005|03:08pm]
So after coming out in all my ugliness I though I would pop on and try to be a little more positive.

Charlotte's reading is coming on really well, she sat in bed last night and read over 200 pages of a fairy novel she had chosen at the book shop. I don't even read that much these days! Parents evening on Thursday, so the teachers perspective comes out!

Weight loss seems really slow these days, i'm working hard to lose a lb a week, still I guess it's better than nothing. it does make me all the more afraid of normality though, if i can eat so little and practically be static, what the hell would all the recommended cal's do!

The gas man comes tomorrow then life in the mad house can return to normal.

Not sure if I said but one of our cats had kittens had a couple of weeks ago, they come out at the weekend, it's always fun when the little ones are playing round the place.

Stay smiling :O)
You never know when you might catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.
3 comments|post comment

yesterdays entry [01 Mar 2005|02:38pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I haven't been on for a couple of days we have a gas man coming tomorrow, so I decided the whole house need doing over, spent the last couple of days cleaning and stuff.

Anyway on my way to uni yesterday I wrote a paper entry so I'll pop it up.

How did I become so shallow?
I used to care, to measure my success and value in life purely in terms of how many people I had helped that day, I was a good person.

Now 75% of my time is spent thinking about how to get thin, how to be more beautiful, how to be more loved.

I'm sure it's not co-incidence 'nip - tuck' has become on of my favorite programs.

'Make me beautiful,
The perfect life,
The prefect soul,
The perfect face.'

Even with all this this obsession had not really stopped me being a generally nice person until I decided I like the idea of using it to hurt Grey. I want to be thin enough to tell him he isn't good enough, to make him feel as little as he has made me feel. I guess because I can see how shallow he is too now and I hate it.

I made myself sick last night, I hardly ever do that. I hate it too. Both the actuality of the action but even more so knowing what a greedy pig I am to have eaten enough in one sitting to warrant the action. to be huddled over the toilet bowl in all it's ugliness knowing I was to blame for being there, 314 cal's of chocolate, it may be within the cal allowance but it certainly isn't an acceptable food.

Even with that I can still feel the fat from the chocolate inside me. I can almost taste it encasing me in it's fat.

Why does a small part of me like being seen as manipulative, I used to hate being seen that way. I guess it's because in reality i'm needy and if people see manipulative in place of needy at least I look stronger, not like the week mess I really am.'

4 comments|post comment

The love of my life [23 Feb 2005|01:43pm]
[ mood | happy ]

All about madamCollapse )

30 comments|post comment

Addiction. [22 Feb 2005|01:10pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I'm addicted to food porn, I just can't get the TV of the food channels. Need to see nice food, close my eyes and nearly taste it.

Didn't get a chance to eat yesterday, that sounds so lame, but I honestly didn't stop from 6 in the morning till 11.45 at night.

Meant to eat, will later today, promise. Thinking of egg white on low cal toast or maybe some yummy garlic mushrooms. Not sure yet, but I will make time to have something small, not letting myself fall into the fast mindset......

Trouble is i'm really not feeling hungry.

There seems to be load's of people feeling depressed and down at the moment, if your one of them then In my memories is the list of help lines that Layla K came up with, if your feeling bad, go find them and get help, I would miss you all if anything happened.

Hope your all Ok.

11 comments|post comment

been a long time... [20 Feb 2005|12:12pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Got really ill, Got caught, escaped!

The less said about the crap of the last couple of weeks the better.

One thing I do know though is that I have at least a few friends who are truly supportive of my behavior. Not sure I like that though, with you lot it's different, but with friends in real life, should they really be aiding me in my self destructive desires? while i have been away i discovered i have friends who would smuggle lax into hospital for me even when they know i'm trying to cut down, friends who will take y food away for me to make it look like I eat, others who will give large amounts of grief to anyone telling me to eat, and I mean anyone. in some ways it's great, but in others it feels so wrong. The same people who claim they love me that I look great as I am and really am not fat, also are happy to sit back and support me in a slow suicide.

Why is it that I get more pressure to improve, as in eat normally, here than in reality. I guess here people haven't given me up as a hopeless case like the real world has. Reality has a way of seeing me entering my 11th year and turning its back on an hope of recovery for me. it's like palliative care and it sucks!

What I'm trying to say is, your all great. thanks for the right combination of support and concern that you just can not find anywhere else.

24 comments|post comment

Hello beautiful [04 Feb 2005|03:36pm]
My head still hurts, but I think in part this is due to a long hard nights drinking last night.

It was Sandra's funeral yesterday and while I don't normally drink, Waste of good cal's in my book, I needed to get hammered. It was a pretty tough day, there with her kids, trying to make polite conversation when there is nothing in the world you can say that will make nay difference.

The priest ended the service saying,
'while we had gathered to celebrate Sandra's life, we had also mourned her passing, but now it was time to go out into the world and celebrate our lives as Sandra would have wanted.' getting pissed with friends seemed like a good way to do that.

So I spent part of the night talking to Simon, it's his Granddad’s funeral on Tuesday and the other part, having fun with Grey <3 me and grey are having a day out next Thursday, just some time to chill in each others safety bubbles. Should be fun and lots of motivation to slim before then.

I also got invited to a murder mystery dinner party next Sat with Scott, He was concerned I wouldn't want to come with it being a dinner party, I told him not to be mad of course I wanted to come, then went straight over to the host, explained that I wanted to come but had an ED so not to bother with much food for me. He was cool about it, but I’m not sure I would have been so bold if It wasn't for the Guinness!

I messed up with the no lax last night, I did Monday OK, but with everything that's been going on I wanted that security last night, still I’m not beat yet, life goes on and I will be back to it on Monday, I will kick it in the butt!

Hope your doing well, xxx
15 comments|post comment

My head still hurts. [01 Feb 2005|12:47pm]
[ mood | ouchy ]

Two of my friends had family bereavements this week, hence I haven't got round to popping on much.

My head still hurts, it's been nearly a week now, i'm just hoping it stops before Thursday, as thats Sandra, my friends mums funeral, and I really don't want to be going to the funeral of someone who died from a brain tumor with a splitting headache and poor vision, it seems in rather bad taste.

Ive been busy trying to write a proof for a formula I derived at the end of my course work too, tough going but very rewarding. Still scared about this new professor, might talk to one of the tutors about it, see if they can reassure me i'll be OK.

Hope everyone is doing well, will try and be around more, but for the next few days it depends a lot on how my friends are coping.

Big hugs (((((((()))))

8 comments|post comment

My head hurt's [28 Jan 2005|12:56pm]
[ mood | snotty ]

I can not believe i'm feeling crap again!

it's just not fair. migraine combined with blocked sinus = very sore head. hence why I din't update as promised yesterday!

Still I got my essay finished, and i'm actually happy with it. which makes a change. still it is only the first of four I have to do this year, so i'm trying to avoid relaxing too much.

My lecturer's have decided the maths i'm doing is beyond their level so I'm going to have to have new proffs teaching me this semester. Not fair, I was meant to be working with my fave lecturer this semester. :O( and i'm bad at dealing with change! I was meant to be clever enough to be allowed to do what I want, not clever enough to have to move!

i'm not allowed to talk about it at home, Joe thinks i'm being arrogant, he doesn't seem to get i'm actually worried about it. before I got to uni I had only had three maths teacher my whole life. one throughout my whole primary education, one through all my secondary and the other through both my further ed courses. I got four new ones two years ago at uni and i had just got used to them hen I have to move up a level again.

Still feeling ill again is good for the waist. not much feeling like eating.

I'm ment to be going out with a friend for his 30th tonight, (isn't he old!) but I need to go get some drugs first, my head needs to be a little less sore! have another migraine pill then get something to make me a little less congested.

The lax reduction is getting easier, think I might try none on Monday or Friday next week.

Dr Phill is on talking to ana's, one just said if you told me I could live for 90 years at 300lb's or 5 years at 70 i would take the 5 years. know how they feel, but if I could be 300lb and happy, well that would be a diffrent story....

keep smiling, life gets better :O)

5 comments|post comment

Sorry I've not been about [25 Jan 2005|11:41am]
[ mood | nerdy ]

I have a 25000 word essay to get finished by tomorrow, and clever old me left writing it up to the last week as always, It seems to have eaten my week completely, i'm going out in the morning to do work, getting back at at about 10 / 11 at nigh and just going to bed.

Stopped at the shop yesterday to buy a load of stuff for baking, Charlotte loves baking, but I hate the tempting fresh cake smell, so she hardly ever gets to, but I decided I have seen so little of her this week it's only fair to do what she wants all weekend so baking and swimming it is.

I know they say the last year, especially the last semester, of your degree is hardest, but boy am I feeling it. Anyway Thursday it's back to normal for a week or two at least, so I will find something interesting to say by then!

And why is it when I don't have lax for a day it hurts, I feel crap and never want to go without again, yet take it and it hurts too, probably more, but that doesn't bother me?

Still it's that time of the week again, when tonight I give my body a rest, so I guess feeling the pain today is probably a good motivation thing.

7 comments|post comment

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